Doubts in a Relationship


Doubts in a Relationship

You may be having doubts about yourself, your partner, your relationship or your life in general. But, what exactly are doubts?

Doubts originate from uncertainty and insecurity about someone or something. Relationships are full of uncertainties. You can have doubts about your feelings, your partner’s behaviour or different aspects of your relationship. While is normal to have doubts in a relationship, it’s best to address them with your partner before they become a problem.

In this article, you will learn about common doubts in a relationship, and how you can approach them in a healthy and loving way.


What Are Doubts?

Doubts come from the insecurity and uncertainty you are feeling because of the decisions you are making or are about to make. Doubts can manifest as a feeling of worry without the motivation to do anything about it.

Without doing something about it, you are not solving the problem. Then, you continue worrying. It’s easy to get trap in this cycle of worry and doubts, as it is only a specific action that is directed towards the source of doubts that can break the cycle.

Here’s the definition of doubts, according to the Merriam-webster dictionary:

  1. To be uncertain about (something) : to believe that (something) may not be true or is unlikely
  2. To have no confidence in (someone or something)

Having Doubts in a Relationship

You have doubts when you are unsure about something, which is uncertain.

Uncertainty in turn is a state of being, it’s a kind of neutral state that needs clarity. In a relationship doubts can be seen as uncertainties that are unaddressed.

Doubts create a state of thinking where you question a specific thought, idea, or action. Moralistic judgement is part of having doubts. Hence, we have that a doubt involves questioning and moralistic judgements.

When you question if your relationship is healthy, make it as objectively as possible. Collect as much information as possible to make the best choice based on an educated decision.

If you stay only with the doubts on the other hand, your decisions will be based on emotions and moralistic judgements.

Is It Normal to Have Doubts in a Relationship?

First, we need to be clear on two things: what is normal and what are doubts?

Normal is conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. The premise is if everyone is going through the same thing, it makes it ok because there must be a solution. So, you might be feeling worried and need reassurance that it will work out.

Doubt is a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction. It’s easy enough to see that you may want certainty. The problem is that certainty is an illusion. Predictability gives us a feeling of safety and security. But, we don’t know what will happen.

All we can do is raise our awareness of the situation before making a decision. We are in a constant state of balance between doubt and certainty. When we question our circumstances, it helps us make a more educated decision, but it stops us from acting. When we are sure about something, we act before we think.

If you are having doubts in your relationship, it means you are unsure about something, so ask yourself what it is.


What Causes Doubts in a Relationship?

Doubts are caused by:

  • Uncertainty that is unresolved.
  • Lack of information that prevents you from making a sound decision.
  • A thinking that is clouded by moralistic judgements.

When you are having doubts is very hard to recognise what’s causing it. You feel worry and anxious and this only intensifies your doubts.

When you have doubts you can get stuck in a cycle of worry without taking the action needed to resolve the issue. So, they are unhealthy.

Everyday we face a whole range of uncertainties, including those about our relationship. Uncertainty is a part of life and it’s worth reflecting on what uncertainties trouble you the most. Then, you can see what you can do to address the source of uncertainty.

When you feel worried, it’s worth exploring what is behind that worry to see if it has any ground. If you discover that there’s is no ground for your worry other than the worry of the uncertainty itself. Then, it’s best to find a way to move on from it. Alternatively, the worry may be a sign that something is not quite right and you need to make some changes. In this case, if it’s related to your relationship, it’s worth talking about this issue with your partner, so you can find a solution together.

If you don’t address this worry by ignoring it or not understanding the reason behind it. It can turn into doubt.


How Doubts Affect a Relationship?

Doubts can affect any aspect of the relationship. When you feel doubtful, you experience a lot of confusion. Your mind is entangled with thoughts, emotions and the pressure of making a decision that is right.

The effects of doubts depends on:

  • The intensity of your emotions
  • Your involvement
  • The time you have been experiencing these doubts
  • Your moralistic judgement

Initially, doubts alert you that something isn’t quite right. Essentially, telling you that some aspect of your life or your relationship need your attention.

If you do not address these doubts, they will cause more emotional instability. Doubts will start taking more of your time. They will become more persistent the longer they last and they will increase in intensity if they go unaddressed.

When you carry doubts for a long time, they can negatively affect you. They will influence your behaviour, your life, your health and your relationships.

If your emotions become too intense without you knowing how to deal with them and address the issues in a healthy way. You may feel powerless and stuck in this situation without seeing a way out.

At some point, you can become overwhelmed and respond to this situation by shutting down. There’s a risk that you will ignore your feelings and circumstances which eventually may result in depression.


Common Doubts in a Relationship

  • Doubting your own feelings
  • Doubting if your partner has strong feelings for you
  • Unsure if you should continue your relationship if you no longer have feelings for your partner
  • Having trust issues
  • Afraid of your feelings changing in the future
  • Unsure about the changes happening in your relationship
  • Worried if your relationship is going to work
  • Worried about how your partner is handling the finances
  • Feeling neglected

Signs of Doubts in a Relationship

Doubts themselves are a warning signal indicating there are some issues in your relationship. Some signs that you or your partner have doubts in your relationship may be causing some of these behaviours:

  • You constantly worry
  • You don’t know what causes your worry or what to do about it
  • You feel stressed most of the time
  • You feel overwhelmed and anxious
  • You seem preoccupied with something but nothing in particular
  • You have a snappy behaviour
  • You don’t feel comfortable around your partner
  • You feel insecured in your relationship
  • You are losing direction as to where your relationship is going

How to Deal with Doubts in a Relationship

Doubts appear when you are facing a decision. The more important the decision, the more emotional you can become about making the right choice.

When you are having doubts it helps to reflect on your relationship in a calm and objective manner. Take the time to assess the ins and outs of your relationship and discuss them with your partner. Be upfront and honest with each other about your feelings, circumstances and your relationship.

Having something tangible, measurable and specific can help you make the best decision. According to your given circumstances and what you want to achieve.

Throughout this whole process the most important thing is to be truly honest with yourself. When you go through this process, you will recognise why you have doubts and gain clarity on what you need to do to find a solution.


How to Remove Doubts in a Relationship

When it comes to dealing with doubts you can follow these steps to help you along the way:

  1. Question what you are thinking (rational thinking)
  2. Assess your emotions (depending on your degree of involvement)
  3. Realise if you are having moralistic judgements. This thinking includes what is right and wrong and what you should or shouldn’t do.

To manage your doubts you need to understand the cause, in order to do this you need to learn to:

1. Differentiate your rational thinking from your moralistic judgements and emotions.

Rational thinking includes an assessment of your current circumstances, history, your present and what you want and expect in the future.

Moralistic judgements include questioning if you are doing something because of cultural and family issues. They are telling you there’s something you should do because you have certain expectations of yourself.

If your doubts are caused because you have been conditioned to believe that something is right and something is wrong while growing up.

Sources of your moralistic judgements may include:

  • Expectations from yourself
  • Expectations from your family, people around you, your culture, customs and traditions.
  • Expectations from the society where you live and the people you are surrounded with.

2. Assess different aspects of your situation.

Reflect on your decision to see if it was based on unrealistic expectations and see if it aligns with your goals, plans, values and beliefs.

3. Make lists for points 1 and 2.

Write down what is going on inside of you with your feelings, emotions and needs.

These steps will help you address doubts. By giving your clarity, reassurance and emotional balance. They will not solve the problems and the causes of these doubts. What they will do is to give you clarity regarding your circumstances and will give you emotional grounding. Then, you can recognise the problems and tackle them based on what they are.

Each problem will require a different approval. If you are emotionally grounded and have clarity, you will be able to find the best solution for your specific problems.

How to Talk About Doubts in a Relationship

First, recognise that you are feeling worried and uncertain. Then see if you can connect it to anything in particular. Finally, share your discoveries and reflections with your partner.

How to Overcome Doubts in a Relationship

Addressing your doubts doesn’t mean solving your problems. Addressing your doubts means that you will be in a better position to recognise the specific problem.

Once you know the problem, provided you are emotionally grounded and took time to reflect on your situation. Then, it will be easier to find a solution.

Learning to deal with your doubts will help you:

  • Gain clarity and emotional balance.
  • Be able to identify your specific problem that you are facing in your life and relationship right now.

How to Stop Having Doubts in a Relationship

To stop having doubts in your relationship, you need to address the particular issues that are causing your doubts. If you find that there is nothing in particular that is causing your doubts and you are just feeling anxious. Then, you need to address this anxiety with a coach. Get in touch if you need any help.


Ending a Relationship Because of Doubts

Doubts can manifest in you being constantly worried and stressed. This is going to inevitably affect you, your partner and your relationship.

Since one of the components of doubt is inaction, you are pretty much guaranteed to have a toxic relationship unless you have the willingness and knowledge to address your concerns.

It’s always better to resolve these doubts, involving your partner in this process. Ending your relationship without truly understanding what is causing your doubts and addressing your issues will bring you more headache and heartache later on.

Ending a relationship because you have doubts and not addressing them with your partner will result in you having more uncertainty of whether ending your relationship was right or wrong.

So, address your doubts with your partner. If you find it too difficult, get professional help.


Conclusion

When you have doubts you can get stuck in a cycle of worry without taking the action needed to resolve this issue. So, this is unhealthy.

Everyday we face a whole range of uncertainties, including ourselves, the world around us and our relationships. Uncertainty is a part of life, it’s worth reflecting on what uncertainties trouble you the most and what you can do to address the source of uncertainty.

When you feel worried, it’s worth exploring what is behind that worry to see if it has any ground. If you discover that there is no ground for your worry other than the worry of the uncertainty itself. Then, it’s best to find a way to move on from it. Alternatively, the worry may be a sign that something is not quite right and you need to make some changes. In this case, if it’s related to your relationship, it’s worth talking about this issue with your partner, so you can find a solution together.

If you don’t address this worry by ignoring it or not understanding the reason behind, it can turn into doubt.


Getting Help Dealing with Doubts in Your Relationship

Tips to Deal with Doubts in Your Relationship

  • Acknowledge you are worried
  • Recognise you are having doubts
  • Identify the source of the uncertainties
  • Reflect on how they affect you and your relationship
  • Share your doubts with your partner
  • If there’s an issue behind these doubts try to find a solution
  • If your doubts are unfounded, consider getting professional help. It may be difficult to identify the deeper rooted beliefs that you have accumulated from your past experiences.

If you don’t know how to deal with doubts and you need professional help and advice, get in touch and we’ll be happy to help!


Frequently Asked Questions

How to avoid doubts in a relationship?

1. Recognise uncertainty is part of life.
2. Identify the things that you can control and the things you can’t when it comes to your relationship and your life in general.
3. Focus on what you can control. Start taking responsibility for making the changes to create a relationship that is fulfilling and enjoyable.

Why do you have doubts in a relationship?

If you don’t have effective communication, you may lack understanding in your relationship. Without understanding, it’s hard to tell how your partner feels about your relationship. So, you are left with guessing and assuming, which leads to doubts.

Is it common to have doubts in a relationship?

Every relationship has many uncertainties. Unless a couple can freely express themselves and hear each other to talk about these uncertainties, they will end up with many doubts. These doubts can eventually ruin a relationship.

Do relationship doubts go away?

Doubts happen inside of you. There are many reasons why you may have doubts. This is an individual experience. The only way to resolve doubts is to identify the cause of these doubts and change your situation or your perspective on it.

Should I tell my partner I have doubts?

It’s important to share your thoughts, feelings, ideas, concerns and doubts about anything that affects you or your relationship.
You partner should know what is going on inside of you. so they can better understand your needs, your behaviour and perspective in your relationship.

Alex Barinov

Hi, I’m Alex:) I am a relationship coach. My passions include understanding life, relationships and human behaviour. As a coach, I help couples resolve their conflicts and create a harmonious and loving relationship.

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